Off Topic: Denise Matthews aka Vanity Writes a Book

The last time I saw Vanity....I mean Denise Matthews, was late at night one one of the Bible channels. She was sitting in an armchair being "interviewed" by a couple a Jim and Tammy Faye clones. Actually, I take that back. The guy was a Jim Bakker clone but the big haired woman beside him probably wasn't worthy enough to carry Tammy Faye's mascara wand. Anyway, I put interviewed in quotes because Vanity/Denise was maybe asked one question the entire segment before she started rambling, sometimes incoherently, about Jesus, her love for Jesus, more Jesus, the light and another heavy coating of Jesus. She didn't sound like a normal person talking about her faith, she sounded like a junkie. Even the hosts looked a little scared. It made me wonder if she was one of those people who trade one addiction. It made me worry about her.

When I was a kid, I loved Vanity. The woman was just beautiful and she got to wear underwear wherever she went which seemed like a big time saver. Could she sing? Not really. When I listen to her old albums now it seems obvious that she could have benefittted from Pro tools during her career. That didn't really matter to me. For one, she appeared on the best episode ever of "Friday the 13th: The Series" as a rock star with an obsessive fan and was in "The Last Dragon" with the man I thought I would marry, Taimak (I had big dreams back then.)

The fact that Vanity has a autobiography coming out this month should be cause for celebration but after going to the book's website and reading the description, the book doesn't sound like it will be much of a fun read. I like my biographies juicy, one of the benefits of getting older is that tell-all books from people I'm actually interested in are starting to trickle into bookstores. Believe me, when "Blanket Jackson: My View from the Balcony" comes out, I will be pre-ordering that shit on Amazon.

Here is my fantasy chapter listing for Vanity's book "Blame it On Vanity"

Introduction: Foreword by Taimak
Chapter 1: My Messed Up Childhood
Chapter 2: Meeting Prince
Chapter 3: But I Can't Sing!
Chapter 4: Shopping for Lingerie
Chapter 5: What Was Up with the Blonde Chick in Vanity 6 Anyway?
Chapter 6: Appolonia Who? Why Wasn't I Invited to Rehearsal?
Chapter 7: Life After Prince
Chapter 8: Sex, Drugs and Motley Crue
Chapter 9: Rock Bottom
Chapter 10: Meeting Jesus
Chapter 11: Why I Married That Dude After Knowing Him 1 Month
Chapter 12: Farewell My Kidneys
Chapter 13: Doing Just Fine, Thank You
Bonus Chapter: What Is Up With Prince?

Wouldn't you want to read that too?


No chapter list on the book website but there is this unfortunately written description:

All I had become was thus painted on my face-vanity-and what i had thus spoken from my vile tongue spewed forth from my juvenile breast of disdain.But this was just the beginning of my surrealistic journey, my make believe “i am the new hoopla” squeezed appropriately, sufficiently, distended in your black box, televising all my oddities up close and effectual. With each new, methodical, despicable movement of my being, i closed my fists around a wretched lie which sought to eradicate my life at an impromptu time and i had built no stomach for the fight. With each new bitterness dispelled formulated by this cruel cold world of which i had become its strange kind, i shut my eyes and with deep complaint muttered words of death and despair, while the hot flames seeped, boiled and burned ablaze under my bottle. I was molding to the likes of mediocrity, vulnerability, having had all the experience of a trained seal, being pushed to the brink of hopelessness,and helpless to perpetuate a flawless, ruinous end.

I know, right? Not quite the beach read I had in mind. To add insult to injury, she's charging $45 per copy AND $12 shipping and handling. Has she not heard of "media mail?"

I should add that I don't care what religion Denise/Vanity is practicing as long as she's not on that hate juice. If she's found peace and happiness with her Christianity more power to her, it's just that I was hoping for a lot more from her autobiography than this stream of consciousness dreck.

Sigh. I wonder if the women from Klymaxx are planning a tell-all anytime soon...

Have you read anything good lately?

Pics: scriptgirl, Couturierdiva, Blameitonvanity.com